Things you wish you had not said

[rosalan]

After several drinks at a party, I went up to a friends wife who had a rather large nose and said “but I like your nose!” Bad enough but why say “but”

 

[Steve and Denise]

Nothing ever

 

[old-mo]

I do......

 

[Spriddler]

30 years ago whilst I was working in Germany I was engaged to give a marketing presentation to around 400 electronics nerds at a technology conference in Amsterdam sponsored by Philips Electronics at Eindhoven. In the hospitality room before going on mine host offered me a glass of Oude Jenever. "What's this for?" I blurted out, "Dutch courage?" God how I wished the floor had opened up. After all this time I still shudder at my faux pas.

 

[The Wino]

30 years ago whilst I was working in Germany I was engaged to give a marketing presentation to around 400 electronics nerds at a technology conference in Amsterdam sponsored by Philips Electronics at Eindhoven. In the hospitality room before going on mine host offered me a glass of Oude Jenever. "What's this for?" I blurted out, "Dutch courage?" God how I wished the floor had opened up. After all this time I still shudder at my faux pas.

Knowing a few dutch people I think they would appreciate the joke

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[Spriddler]

Knowing a few dutch people I think they would appreciate the joke

Yes, I was subsequently seconded for a year at Philips Eindhoven and they laughed heartily when telling me that copper wire was invented by two Dutchmen who were walking down the road when they both spotted a 5 cent piece at the same time.

 

[Chris]

Many , many years ago I was a trainee solicitor in my 3rd week in the job.

I had been sent to a court somewhere to meet with a barrister who was going to present a case I knew nothing about.

The barrister went to the wrong court ( by about 30 miles) and the Judge got a bit stroppy which was understandable.

Anyway, the judge called us on and asked what the problem was.

I explained the problem but the Judge wasn’t having it and said I needed to present the case.

I smugly said that as a trainee I didn’t have rights of audience so I couldn’t present the case.

The blinking judge replied I grant you rights of audience please proceed”

Luckily the other sides barrister took pity on me and was slow with her opening by which time my barrister had turned up.

I should have stayed in bed

 

[suavecarve]

When I was in the police I had to ring up this old lady who had had her cat shaven. Not really a police job but a bit of reassurance. Everybody was expecting me to say something about shaving and cats. As the conversation went on I asked her who she thought it was. The neighbour, so i am looking at the computer and he is a disqualified driver. Does he drive asks I ? Yes he goes to work every morning in a blue ford escort about 0830 says she.

Thats all right I ll get him for that next week when I am on earlies I reply......followed by the "Theres more than one way of skinning a cat" Oooops

 

[The Wino]

Many , many years ago I was a trainee solicitor in my 3rd week in the job.

I had been sent to a court somewhere to meet with a barrister who was going to present a case I knew nothing about.

The barrister went to the wrong court ( by about 30 miles) and the Judge got a bit stroppy which was understandable.

Anyway, the judge called us on and asked what the problem was.

I explained the problem but the Judge wasn’t having it and said I needed to present the case.

I smugly said that as a trainee I didn’t have rights of audience so I couldn’t present the case.

The blinking judge replied I grant you rights of audience please proceed”

Luckily the other sides barrister took pity on me and was slow with her opening by which time my barrister had turned up.

I should have stayed in bed

The best one like that I heard was a friend asked to be an expert witness in a driving case where there was an issue with distance judgement. He like me was an optometrist the other sides barrister asked what his qualifications were to be an expert witness as he was "just an ordinary optician" . To which the reply was that when he was working on his PhD at NASA on judging distances when docking in space.............. He said that the barrister was shrinking by the second!

 

[Wee Bold Davy]

When I was in the police I had to ring up this old lady who had had her cat shaven. Not really a police job but a bit of reassurance. Everybody was expecting me to say something about shaving and cats. As the conversation went on I asked her who she thought it was. The neighbour, so i am looking at the computer and he is a disqualified driver. Does he drive asks I ? Yes he goes to work every morning in a blue ford escort about 0830 says she.

Thats all right I ll get him for that next week when I am on earlies I reply......followed by the "Theres more than one way of skinning a cat" Oooops

Reading that, I was sure you were going to ask her why she shaved her pussy

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[suavecarve]

Reading that, I was sure you were going to ask her why she shaved her pussy

That was the exact phrase I was so conscience of not saying and having to think all the time "Dont mention the shaved pussy" that "Skinning the cat" didnt even get a thought ...... until the the T of caT when the horrible realisation came in of how well my size 9s fit into my gob

 

[nicholsong]

Many , many years ago I was a trainee solicitor in my 3rd week in the job.

I had been sent to a court somewhere to meet with a barrister who was going to present a case I knew nothing about.

The barrister went to the wrong court ( by about 30 miles) and the Judge got a bit stroppy which was understandable.

Anyway, the judge called us on and asked what the problem was.

I explained the problem but the Judge wasn’t having it and said I needed to present the case.

I smugly said that as a trainee I didn’t have rights of audience so I couldn’t present the case.

The blinking judge replied I grant you rights of audience please proceed”

Luckily the other sides barrister took pity on me and was slow with her opening by which time my barrister had turned up.

I should have stayed in bed

I had a slightly different experience, in Wells St. Magistrate's Court in front of a Stipendiary Magistrate.

I had a contra temp with a bus driver and was attempting to write down his PSV No. when he stole my Bar Course note cards. I arrived in Court to be told that the Charging Sergeant who was to prosecute was long-term sick and the Stipe had refused to accept the substitute Sergeant, so I was to handle the prosecution.

The bus driver's Union Solicitor was obviously delighted, but did not know I was a Bar Student. I got the required evidence from the bus driver. I was then cross-examined by his Solicitor, during which he asked a question which required my opinion. I turned to the Stipe and objected a question requiring an opinion. Stipe agreed and struck the question. Shock of defending Solicitor.

Result: Guilty, Fined, Bound Over.

 

[maison]

My uncle was a Police Officer, retiring at Inspector rank.

When he was a young Constable his Sergeant took him along to a house to deliver a “death message”.

Unexpectedly his Sergeant, having knocked on the door, told him to deliver the message as it would be good practice for him.

Totally flustered he blurted out “Did you have a husband called…….?”