Tell us a funny story that actually happened to you, this has to be good for a giggle.

ambulancekidd

ambulancekidd

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Since 1964 Gosh that makes me feel old.
Right here we go with a funny story thread, surely this has to be an exercise for the chuckle muscles, so feel free to add a story which will make us giggle.
Here's mine.

When I was 15, I was involved in a nasty accident when I got caught between a wall & a tractor.
Damage report was my femur (thigh bone crushed) & a few other crush injuries, so not very funny yet.

Upshot was I was going to need a few operations, quite daunting for a shy 15yr old country boy.
Treatment began the following morning, in came a very pretty nurse with a tray of stuff, she informed me that I needed to be shaved, I thought "how odd I don't normally need to shave" when she told me, the area to be shaved was my hip & genitals, gulp. :wasntme:
It slowly dawned on me that there was a real danger of me getting an erection! I was 15yrs old & at that age the thought of a drink of water gave you a stiffy.
I was going very, very red in the face when the pretty nurse pulled the curtains round my bed & I heard her walk away, my mind was racing like a train, I was busy thinking of brick walls or anything to stop me getting a stiffy.
Then the curtain was pulled back & there was a male nurse, I heaved a sigh of relief, then it dawned on me that if it happened now it'd be a million times worse.
I'm going to remain tight lipped from here on the story!!! :unsure: :worried::banghead:
 
ambulancekidd said:
Right here we go with a funny story thread, surely this has to be an exercise for the chuckle muscles, so feel free to add a story which will make us giggle.
Here's mine.

When I was 15, I was involved in a nasty accident when I got caught between a wall & a tractor.
Damage report was my femur (thigh bone crushed) & a few other crush injuries, so not very funny yet.

Upshot was I was going to need a few operations, quite daunting for a shy 15yr old country boy.
Treatment began the following morning, in came a very pretty nurse with a tray of stuff, she informed me that I needed to be shaved, I thought "how odd I don't normally need to shave" when she told me, the area to be shaved was my hip & genitals, gulp. :wasntme:
It slowly dawned on me that there was a real danger of me getting an erection! I was 15yrs old & at that age the thought of a drink of water gave you a stiffy.
I was going very, very red in the face when the pretty nurse pulled the curtains round my bed & I heard her walk away, my mind was racing like a train, I was busy thinking of brick walls or anything to stop me getting a stiffy.
Then the curtain was pulled back & there was a male nurse, I heaved a sigh of relief, then it dawned on me that if it happened now it'd be a million times worse.
I'm going to remain tight lipped from here on the story!!! :unsure: :worried::banghead:
Click to expand...
I know how it ends.
It was the last stiffy you ever had :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 
My Dad always favoured my little sister.... she could do no wrong...:frowny:

One Sunday he packed his little case with a few over night bits for a few days away at some doctors convention... ready for the off first thing Monday morning...

When he went out Sunday evening for his usual pint at the club...

I took 2 pairs of clean socks and a pair of underpants out of his overnight case and substituted them for a pair of my sisters nickers and a couple of pairs of her black tights... (They were the in thing for teenage girls in them days.)

Wednesday night I got a hell of a leathering...:crying::crying::crying:
 
I used to be a coach of several different sports and worked in a Sports centre.
Each year the over 55s club took us on at sport, but we were basically quite skilled in this area so in order to make it fair, they provided the alcohol. SO in the morning you would play Badminton against their top players with John Smiths in your hand then we had about 10 sports to play each of which we had to have a pint whilst playing.
But luckily we had a lunch break where they took advantage and plied us with some drink.

First up for me was pistol shooting after lunch. I was a pistol shooting instructor, I was also wrecked. Anyway i had my hand over the end of the barrel and finger on the trigger while i loaded it. Shot myself in the hand.
Little bit of blood trickling down was the clue.

Anyway i forgot about it for a couple of years and then couldnt even remember which hand i shot myself in. Then a ganglean appeared. I had to wear gloves to play squash and drive etc.
Then i was playing football and dislocated a finger but put it back and played on but a couple of days later it was still sore so went for an xray where the ganglean worked out to be an airgun pellet. Doc was fascinated and i kept telling him that i shot myself in my left hand but we finally worked it out that my memory was awful.

So i was given a choice of local or general anaesthetic. I chose local, I am not squeamish at all and i wanted to watch. So watched the whole thing and then they stitched me up and lo and behold i flake and fall off the bed. (I have since found out i am allergic to local anaesthetic when i flaked at the vasectomy clinic reception after the snip and one bloke ran out !)
We arent letting you out they say without someone taking responsibility for you. This is before mobile phones. I managed to escape the ward for a smoke and then jumped the fence and ran to the sports centre i worked at to get someone to come and get me.

Problem was i was still in my operating gown where they dont reach together at the back. I made it to sports centre ok but on the way back there was a police car, who just had to stop for a chat and this story was about the only thing that probably didnt get me sectioned.
 
old-mo said:
My Dad always favoured my little sister.... she could do no wrong...:frowny:

One Sunday he packed his little case with a few over night bits for a few days away at some doctors convention... ready for the off first thing Monday morning...

When he went out Sunday evening for his usual pint at the club...

I took 2 pairs of clean socks and a pair of underpants out of his overnight case and substituted them for a pair of my sisters nickers and a couple of pairs of her black tights... (They were the in thing for teenage girls in them days.)

Wednesday night I got a hell of a leathering...:crying::crying::crying:
Click to expand...
That’s bloody hilarious

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15 1/2, had the teddyboy "suit", drainpipes, crepe brothel creepers , velvet collar and cuff, knee length coat.
Mate!!! Cock of the Walk!
"Rickys Cafe" the only place in town with a Juke Box

Me and a also likewise dressed mate on our way to Ricks, across the road I spot Joy C******, one of the objects of my teenage dreams.

I call across the street to her, come on down to Ricks we'll share a coffee

(what the hell I was only an apprentice Stone Mason on £3 a week I wasn't Rockafella!!!)


AND! walk straight into a tree!

Met Joy C again , at a funeral in 89 (34 years later) she was still laughing about it! :doh:
 
I still cringe about this but here goes...

Before my daughter arrived my wife and I went skiing in the French alps. We drove down and stopped in Annecy on the way down and promptly got stuck in a bar as you do...

Anyway, our drunken conversation soon turned to my hair which was rapidly greying and my wife suggested I should dye it. I agreed but only one of those temporary dyes that washes out in a few days.

The wife goes to a supermarket and buys the stuff and that night back in the hotel room she put it on my hair. All the instructions were in French so we couldn’t understand them.

Anyway next morning I looked in my mirror and saw a horrific sight. A chap with a deep auburn hair colour was looking back at me.

Not a problem I thought - it will soon wash out.

About 30 washes later it was the same deep colour - it was permanent.

At the end of the holiday and before I was due to go back to work and suffer the ultimate humiliation my wife bought this stuff to take colour out of your hair which she put on my head.

It half worked - it turned my hair ginger which it stayed like for months and months:(

Happily grey now:giggle:

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Pulled onto a camp site in France and turned on the grill to cook supper. Within seconds the smoke detector operated and I realised that I had forgotten to take the tea towel, that was an “anti-rattle” device, from around the grill pan. It was burning quite well.

I pulled it out of the grill and threw it outside where it started to ignite the dry grass on the pitch. Being a fire-fighter I immediately jumped out of the motorhome to stamp it out,

.........forgetting that I was in bare feet.

My wife reckons that I did the best impression of a Native American’s rain dance she had ever seen as I stamped on it, and then jumped off again, leaving a smoke trail as I ran around the pitch trying to cool my feet down.

I never did tell my colleagues about that episode, I would have never lived it down.
 
Many years ago I was in hospital recovering from a peritonitis op i woke up close to midnight heavily drugged with a piper playing bagpipes at the end of my bed I thought I was dead not realising it was new years eve I was in hospital in leytonstone in london
 
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One summer day my father had us 4 kids running down the lawn and jumping over his walking stick which he lifted after every jump.
My youngest brother had 10 to 2 feet he came running down the lawn jumped the walking stick and could not stop himself he landed on top of some old bed springs that my dad was giving to the rag and bone man went over a 4 foot high wall with the bed springs on top of him.
I’m wetting my self writing this seeing the image again 60 years on.

John.
 
When l was a young man l had a date with a girl that l thought might be the one that l would do it with for the first time and thought it’s better that l bevresponsible and use protection so off l went to the Chemist to buy a Durex for the first time.
Having built up courage to go in and time it so l got a male assistant,Oh l timed it wrong and got a lovely young women but went ahead and asked,
Can l have a packet of Durex please
Yes of course,what size!
Size! I didn’t know they came in sizes I’ve no idea
Look, it’s quiet just get it out and l will check what size you want
So,I whip it out and she reaches over
She shouts Sally In the back room,get me a size 1 please
No,make it a 2
Better make it a 3
Forget it,bring me a flannel,
:LOL::LOL:
 
When I was nursing, I cared for a young man who was in for a circumcision. After the op, he called me over and asked if I would pull the curtains round. I was a bit hesitant, as I wondered what he wanted. Anyway, he was most insistent that he needed privacy so I did what he asked.
He started saying something and I struggled to catch what he said, he seemed really embarrassed. He cleared his throat and tried again, "can you bandage me toe please nurse?" He went on to explain that his mum was picking him up later and he'd told her that he'd had an operation on his toe. Keeping a straight face, I did what he'd asked. When he went home, with his mum, he was limping. Bless.

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At work I had cause to go upstairs into the production office as I passed the window before entering I glanced in and could see the only person there was the training manager (someone who I just don't get on with, and I love to wind up at every opportunity!) My quick thinking hatched a funny plan!

I opened the door and walked into the small office, leaving the door open behind me.
I said, 'Bob, just the man I'm looking for .... I think'.
He said, 'How can I help?'
'It's rather personal, embarrassing really, I don't know how to say it' I replied.
At that I looked out the window to the factory to ensure no one was coming up the stairs then went and closed the office door. I returned to the desk he was sitting at.
'I don't know how to put this Bob.'
His mood changed to one of concern, 'Take a seat Davy, what's on your mind?'

I looked out the window once more and blurted out, 'Sexual abuse at work!'
He was visibly taken aback :Eeek: as we work in an all male environment.
'Oh, he said what's the problem?

'I don't get any!' :rofl::rofl::rofl:

He did see the funny side of it, he should know me by now:whistle2:
 
Some of you will definitely find this funny..... we are currently on a lovely little site in Seaton. We last went away 2 weeks ago. Now my job is to empty the toilet cassette. Well, it appears I may have lapsed on my duties. I couldn’t work out why the toilet smelt, blamed it on the chemicals , like you do. So I decided to empty it anyway....... I most definitely forgot :sick::sick:
 
Daughter moved into a Victorian town house with boyfriend two minute walk from our house. Because dads enjoy diy 🙄 muggins found himself working round their quite often. She got a black and white kitten and told me to be careful not to let it out for a few weeks. They were at work and one day I was struggling to get my tools in from the car. On my last trip I saw the front door had swung open. God noooooo.

Closed the door and called through the whole house - no response, God no, the kitten had got out. I needed some drill bits and though I’d walk back home to see if I could find the dam thing, right on the corner by our house I saw it crouched down on the pavement next to the letter box. I called “Teddy” and it bolted over the road narrowly missing cars and leapt into my arms. Thank Christ for that (thinking about the explanation).

Walked back to her house with it and as I was fumbling for the front door key I felt it tensing up clawing me as if to say “I’m not going back in there”. Struggled with it and managed to bundle the kitten in through the front door and it bounded up the stairs.

Thinking I’d magnificently avoided the ‘Spanish Inquisition’ I turned to go back out the front door only to see her kitten bound through from the back kitchen proudly rubbing up against my ankles.

Soon got the tarty little identical imposter down from upstairs out of the house!! Wife laughed but I’m sure that was only because of the stress it caused me 😳🤣
 
Where do I start as I have so many 😂

When I was about 14 we went to Blackpool for the weekend and my parents gave my brother and me some money to go to the pleasure beach, we started of in the Fun house where we met two lovely girls. We offered to take them on some rides so they picked the ghost train, we’re thinking this is great we might get a quick feel 😂😂
Anyway just as we come out of the rotating wall to a skeleton on a bike the ride stops, being a teenage boy I thought great here’s my chance. How wrong was I as she started screaming due to the dark and noise not my wondering hands and being the gentleman I asked if she was ok to which she replied in tears no she was scared and wanted out. Again being a gentleman I got out the carriage to see if I could find an exit and at that exact moment the ride started leaving me stranded, I waited until the next carriage came which had a mother and her small daughter and asked them if I could join them only for them to scream and the young girl started crying, they reported me and the dad wasn’t to happy.
I was escorted from the ride and banned for life 😂😂
 
In my late 50s I had prostate trouble; sent to local hospital for tests. Called in by a young nurse to an X-Ray room where there was another young nurse and a radiologist. After putting on a gown had to get on to the tilting table; had a tube inserted then had litre of fluid pumped in. Was X-rayed then another litre of fluid. Once it was all over the young nurse took the tube out and then apologised for the discomfort so I just laughed and said "not a problem - it's been a very long time since someone as young as you touched it"! She blushed but the other two were laughing!

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On one of our trips to Spain we were having lunch at an outside table at a restaurant in Cadiz, I had ordered Swordfish steak and tucking in said to Win , not like any Swordfish I’ve ever had before, halfway through the meal and a waiter suddenly appeared , whipped the plate away and put another full plate on the table, not so much as a lo siento Senor 😂
It was Swordfish on the second attempt 😎
 
hi.
Load of Foundry Coke from Wales,mid 60's,up to Lee's foundry Dronfield Derbyshire. Driving down to the foundry in the dark,driving snow ( Not been before ),looking through a wire mesh type fence,saw a chap waving from a building,so pulled up. He shouted " Coke ? " I shouted back " Yes " he then told me to come in the next gate and i would see where to tip it. Did that,got a signature and went back to the yard about 40 mins away, I had been in the yard about an hour sorting out work for next day. Mr Dennis P. ( a living legend and top man ) came across and asked if i had just tipped a load of coke off in Dronfield so i said yes.
" Have you got a shovel ? " " Yes i have " he then said. " Get back to Dronfield and reload it. ( Eight wheeler load...).... you have tipped it in the WRONG yard "...OOooopppss. Thinking this is going to be a LONG night,i went back to the lorry. Mr Dennis P. then started laughing and said. " You jammy beggar,you tipped it at the wrong foundry,it was for the one further down the lane,lucky for you,the proper load turned up just after you had gone and they just took the load down the lane and it was accepted. "
Result or what,had many a laugh over that. :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: (y)
Tea Bag
 
Back in 1987 when I was very new to driving trucks I had to deliver a load of very expensive kit to a new build hospital lab.

I was very aware of everything around me as I inched the truck into the complex and came across a newly built foot bridge that I had to pass under to make my delivery, I edged up to the bridge which had no height sign on it and told the drivers mate to get out and make sure we would get under.

It was very tight, so tight that he asked me to check.

In the end we got through with maybe an inch or two to spare..... phew

Got to the lab area and off loaded maybe 20 tonnes of machinery etc, the staff were very appreciative and even commented on the care I had taken, after maybe 6 hours off loading we closed the tail-lift had one last cup of tea and headed out.

Thing was, in 1987 few trucks had air suspension, we were on steel leaf springs, and we'd taken maybe 20 tonnes off, it had been a long day and we wanted home and a beer.

Got to the bridge and thought, it fits no worries................

Now know a truck on steel leaf springs sinks when you put loads of weight on, and raises when you take it off...

I also know how much it cost to rebuild said truck in 1987

How much a structural survey of a foot bridge cost in 1987

How much media coverage with you bosses name can make him shout

And how bad it feels to work with a load of blokes who call you Bridgett for the next 3 years
 
Vipar said:
I was about 12 and got caught scrumping, the cops took me home and with a quizzical look said to my dad “why don’t you give him one of you apples”? Dad owned a greengrocers shop. I got told off for getting caught.
Click to expand...
That reminds me of something that happened when I was around 8 or 9. A large house in the posh part of town was known to have many apple trees. We had heard that they were on holiday and it would be easy pickings. The house was surrounded by a high wall and the only way in for a bunch of 8 year old kids was through the double gate. While in the garden helping ourselves to the apples a red VW Camper pulled up at the gate and the owner leapt out to open the gates.

I was up a tree and all the kids scampered past the owner and out the gate. I got caught.
He held me very firmly by the arm and asked where I lived as he was going to take me home to my father.
In tears I pleaded with him not to do that. He let me go and said he would pay my parents a visit later.
I was terrified to go home. It was almost mid-night when I finally decided to face the music.
At the top of the cul-de-sac stood a red VW Camper outside my house, I turned and fled.

An hour later I was in the arms of the cops, they'd been out looking for me for over 4 hours.
They took me home to the relief of my parents and the red VW Camper was still at our house. :Eeek:
It turned out that our next door neighbours had bought it that very day:crying:

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Sorry but a real cock up.

Early seventies I worked at Marconi in Chelmsford and we lived in a really nice semi house on the Marconi estate.
One afternoon while on holiday a bit of garden tidying and I saw what I thought was a queen wasp near the back of my greenhouse, I decided to smoke it out with a crimped up piece of newspaper on a stick......🔥🔥
.🔥🔥....well the wind blew the flaming paper into my neighbours lovely mature hedge and being very dry went along it towards the house like a dose of salts, I called the fire brigade who came just in time to view some lovely black stumps :Eeek:
When my neighbour returned from work I had to knock on his door and explain 💩💩💩
He didn’t hit me and ignored me thereafter🙏
 
Many years ago my brother in law was in sales and visiting his clients in London at Christmas to give them a bottles of spirits as was the tradition. He took a couple of his best clients out for lunch to an Indian restaurant. They ate well and the drink was flowing when he realised he was cutting it fine to catch a train home. He said his goodbyes and settled the bill. He started walking quickly when he farted and followed through. He darted into Burtons and grabbed a new pair of trousers off a rail and rushed up to the till where the assistant was serving another customer. He butted in and said I'm terribly sorry I'm late for my train can I quickly pay for the trousers? He paid the money and grabbed the carrier bag and ran out of the shop and to Paddington Station where his train was about to leave. He boarded the train and it pulled out. He made his way to the toilet and waited a few minutes and someone came out and he went in.
He took his trousers off and cleaned himself up. There was no bin in the toilet so he opened the window and threw his soiled trousers out. Then he opened the carrier bag and pulled out a cardigan!
 
Chris said:
I still cringe about this but here goes...

Before my daughter arrived my wife and I went skiing in the French alps. We drove down and stopped in Annecy on the way down and promptly got stuck in a bar as you do...

Anyway, our drunken conversation soon turned to my hair which was rapidly greying and my wife suggested I should dye it. I agreed but only one of those temporary dyes that washes out in a few days.

The wife goes to a supermarket and buys the stuff and that night back in the hotel room she put it on my hair. All the instructions were in French so we couldn’t understand them.

Anyway next morning I looked in my mirror and saw a horrific sight. A chap with a deep auburn hair colour was looking back at me.

Not a problem I thought - it will soon wash out.

About 30 washes later it was the same deep colour - it was permanent.

At the end of the holiday and before I was due to go back to work and suffer the ultimate humiliation my wife bought this stuff to take colour out of your hair which she put on my head.

It half worked - it turned my hair ginger which it stayed like for months and months:(

Happily grey now:giggle:
Click to expand...

Don’t mention the zipper😁😁
 
When I was 16 I went out with this red head girl, frolicking around with her I nudged her off of this low wall, she came up laughing but didn’t realise that she had fell back into this massive sloppy dog turd💩

Had to make my excuses and exit a bit rapid😁
See her a few days later and nothing was mentioned😁 split up a while later as she was a proper nutter and would probably have done me in sooner or later😂😂
 
When i was about 17 i was working on a building site and we were living in the house we were renovating to save paying for digs.

Trouble was there was no running water so i went to the local swimming baths just to have a shower, i was standing in the shower getting all nice and clean in nothing but my birthday suit when suddenly all the old ladies came in to get ready for their weekly swimming lesson just as i was washing my hair.

I had not realised it was a unisex dressing room i thought it was just male.

I quickly covered my bits with my hands and swiftly walked back to my cubicle to get dressed.

I heard one old lady say i had made her day 🤣🤣

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