Not a funny story, but true. I was about 9 i think (long time ago) went for a wee & being in a hurry after pulled the zip up too quick!!! Pain pain pain..... 
Tell us a funny story that actually happened to you, this has to be good for a giggle. (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter ambulancekidd
- Start date
Mine involves the first time we encountered one of those French public toilet cubicles that self clean between users..
In blissful ignorance we decided one of us could nip in as the other came out.
Big mistake, she still won't speak to me.
In blissful ignorance we decided one of us could nip in as the other came out.
Big mistake, she still won't speak to me.
- Apr 12, 2010
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Only last week I ordered two bolts from an ironmongers, the staff mumbled into his mask and I agreed. 5 minutes later he appeared with two hundred in a bag after counting them. I almost bought them out of embarrassment.
Phil
Phil
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Well... a medical one.....I will admit this happened to me about 15 years ago....
I was having some health issues concerning my stomach which could not be solved via my GP alone so I was referred for a colonoscopy..... yes that's right the UP one.
I took the liquid enema as directed overnight the night before and all seemed well. I arrived at the hospital for the procedure with my wife and was shown into a cubicle and asked to remove all my clothing and put on the gown with the split up the back. I was then told I would be given another enema to make sure I was clear before the camera crew arrived.
Suitably attired I rolled onto my side and brought my knees up towards my chest as instructed and waited... my wife stayed as she is my wife... and a very friendly nurse then proceeded to squeeze a milk bottle sized container of warm water up my rear end. Now the fun begins.............
I suddenly hear the nurse loudly proclaiming and with some alarm in her voice..." its all pouring out" and I say " of course it is... you squeeze it in it gonna come pouring back out" ... nobody told me I was supposed to hold it in I says ( I know bloody stupid at that age but I just didnt know).... stay with me it gets better... so after cleaning myself up and wiping the cubicle down we try again...
On my side... milk bottle in...gentle squeeze... then the nurse says " now hold it in this time"... and so upon hearing that instruction I reach back with my right hand and put my middle finger on the bottom of the milk bottle! Well the nurse screamed with laughter my wife nearly pissed herself too and I just about managed to hold my muscles tight without spraying the entire cubicle with the contents of my colon as I too was in fits of laughter having realised my mistake. Christ .....nobody told me me honest and I was doing as I was told......
I bet that story is still told today in that clinic...
I was having some health issues concerning my stomach which could not be solved via my GP alone so I was referred for a colonoscopy..... yes that's right the UP one.
I took the liquid enema as directed overnight the night before and all seemed well. I arrived at the hospital for the procedure with my wife and was shown into a cubicle and asked to remove all my clothing and put on the gown with the split up the back. I was then told I would be given another enema to make sure I was clear before the camera crew arrived.
Suitably attired I rolled onto my side and brought my knees up towards my chest as instructed and waited... my wife stayed as she is my wife... and a very friendly nurse then proceeded to squeeze a milk bottle sized container of warm water up my rear end. Now the fun begins.............
I suddenly hear the nurse loudly proclaiming and with some alarm in her voice..." its all pouring out" and I say " of course it is... you squeeze it in it gonna come pouring back out" ... nobody told me I was supposed to hold it in I says ( I know bloody stupid at that age but I just didnt know).... stay with me it gets better... so after cleaning myself up and wiping the cubicle down we try again...
On my side... milk bottle in...gentle squeeze... then the nurse says " now hold it in this time"... and so upon hearing that instruction I reach back with my right hand and put my middle finger on the bottom of the milk bottle! Well the nurse screamed with laughter my wife nearly pissed herself too and I just about managed to hold my muscles tight without spraying the entire cubicle with the contents of my colon as I too was in fits of laughter having realised my mistake. Christ .....nobody told me me honest and I was doing as I was told......
I bet that story is still told today in that clinic...
reminded me of another, getting ready for a a large dental treatment I had to change into sterile garments. Doing my best, my wife comes in and tells me the 'hat' I had put on was a pair of paper pants.!!
So I correct the error and wait. Surgeon come to collect me and says ' well done, last week we had some p**** who though that was a hat.'
So I correct the error and wait. Surgeon come to collect me and says ' well done, last week we had some p**** who though that was a hat.'
Minxy
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Any photos?I still cringe about this but here goes...
Before my daughter arrived my wife and I went skiing in the French alps. We drove down and stopped in Annecy on the way down and promptly got stuck in a bar as you do...
Anyway, our drunken conversation soon turned to my hair which was rapidly greying and my wife suggested I should dye it. I agreed but only one of those temporary dyes that washes out in a few days.
The wife goes to a supermarket and buys the stuff and that night back in the hotel room she put it on my hair. All the instructions were in French so we couldnāt understand them.
Anyway next morning I looked in my mirror and saw a horrific sight. A chap with a deep auburn hair colour was looking back at me.
Not a problem I thought - it will soon wash out.
About 30 washes later it was the same deep colour - it was permanent.
At the end of the holiday and before I was due to go back to work and suffer the ultimate humiliation my wife bought this stuff to take colour out of your hair which she put on my head.
It half worked - it turned my hair ginger which it stayed like for months and months
Happily grey now
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Chris
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Minxy
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Why do I NOT believe that!No. Thank God
Surely a member of the legal profession wouldn't tell porkies ....
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My Mother in Law was in hospital for a Thyroid Operation and there were a few family members at her bedside the night before the operation and MIL was really worried about the OP.. The ward door burst open and in came an entourage of white coats..
I asked MIL if she knew who they were and she said the man in the suit was the person operating on her the next day. Eventually they arrived at the bedside and started discussing what my MIL was there for and at the end the Main man said see you tomorrow Mrs P, nothing to worry about, all straight forward.
As he started to walk away I asked him If I could shake his hand. He looked me very puzzled so I added "Well very few get the chance to shake the hand of the man who is going to cut their MIL's throat".
I asked MIL if she knew who they were and she said the man in the suit was the person operating on her the next day. Eventually they arrived at the bedside and started discussing what my MIL was there for and at the end the Main man said see you tomorrow Mrs P, nothing to worry about, all straight forward.
As he started to walk away I asked him If I could shake his hand. He looked me very puzzled so I added "Well very few get the chance to shake the hand of the man who is going to cut their MIL's throat".
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ambulancekidd
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You broke the 11th commandment 11/Thou shalt not get caught.
grasscutter
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True story.
Years ago as a contractor driving back to base with two lads sitting in the passenger seats.
I stopped to fill up with diesel When a minibus pulled up opposite me.
A rather large young lady with the shortest mini skirt got out of the drivers seat. As she did so her skirt was up around her waist with everything on display.
I leaned into my van and said to the lads, ā Look at the state of thatā.
The lad in the middle looked out and said thatās my fiancĆ© Tina.
Oh lord please open the ground and swallow me up
Years ago as a contractor driving back to base with two lads sitting in the passenger seats.
I stopped to fill up with diesel When a minibus pulled up opposite me.
A rather large young lady with the shortest mini skirt got out of the drivers seat. As she did so her skirt was up around her waist with everything on display.
I leaned into my van and said to the lads, ā Look at the state of thatā.
The lad in the middle looked out and said thatās my fiancĆ© Tina.
Oh lord please open the ground and swallow me up
As a toddler at Hull Fair just after the war, I went on the ghost train the through the tunnel of fear and had to share with my 10 year older sister. I didn't know what she was screaming at, and also didn't realise that I needed glasses. So I decided to stand on the seat to see what was happeing. The thing was, a wooden ghoul swung its arm across the car to frighten you, sister ducked, I didn't. I was hit across the ear by the ghoul's wooden arm. I screamed too. No one would believe that I was screaming cos I was hurt, just thought I was frightened. Outside, I said to my eldest brother, 15 years older than me, that I had a diahorea. He said where does it hurt. I pointed to my right ear. He laughingly hit me across the head. No sympathy there then! And that was a start to my tinitus. Still think it was unfair.
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movan
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It's got a trailer behind made from a 2cv van. The condition was better than new, unfortunately it's a combo we saw at an aires in France. The owner was as pleased as punch when I asked could I take a photo.
icantremember
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I posted this a few years ago on this forum and still think it must have been movan 
........
TRUE STORY .........
You know how it is when there's a voice on the phone that you feel you should recognize but don't like to ask who is calling, so you keep the conversation going until you work out who it is.
At home one evening, the phone rang, I duly answered to hear the voice of a young woman I could not immediately put a name to and the conversation went something like ..........
Me - "Hello"
Caller - "Hi how are you?"
Me - "Fine thanks how about you?"
Caller - "Great thanks, I enjoyed the other evening"
Me - "Me Too thanks it was very enjoyable." (at this point I had no idea who she was)
Caller - "It was the best sex I've had for ages, when can we do it again?"
Me - "I don't know really, I'm not sure my wife would like it."
Caller - " You didn't tell me you were married."
Me - " Well you didn't ask!"
Long silence ..........................
Caller - "You're not John are you?"
Me - "No, sorry."
Caller "screeeeeem" (phone went dead)
P.S. I did try ring back but the number was withheld
........TRUE STORY .........
You know how it is when there's a voice on the phone that you feel you should recognize but don't like to ask who is calling, so you keep the conversation going until you work out who it is.
At home one evening, the phone rang, I duly answered to hear the voice of a young woman I could not immediately put a name to and the conversation went something like ..........
Me - "Hello"
Caller - "Hi how are you?"
Me - "Fine thanks how about you?"
Caller - "Great thanks, I enjoyed the other evening"
Me - "Me Too thanks it was very enjoyable." (at this point I had no idea who she was)
Caller - "It was the best sex I've had for ages, when can we do it again?"
Me - "I don't know really, I'm not sure my wife would like it."
Caller - " You didn't tell me you were married."
Me - " Well you didn't ask!"
Long silence ..........................
Caller - "You're not John are you?"
Me - "No, sorry."
Caller "screeeeeem" (phone went dead)
P.S. I did try ring back but the number was withheld
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I don't think this was funny, but most did. Back in the day when I first started travelling on business I had to go to Dublin. My meeting went well and a lot quicker than expected. My customer took me back to the airport and since I was early we decided to have a drink in the bar.
When I eventually got on the plane I decided to sit in an aisle seat in case I needed to visit the loo. I was sitting there in a drink assisted doze, thinking to myself that we must be over the Irish sea just about in the spot where an Aer Lingus flight had crashed a few weeks before. Just then there was an almighty crash, the whole plane shook and seemed to stop! I leapt to my feet, probably screaming, and looked around to see the whole plane staring at me as if I was having a fit. Far from being over the sea, we were coming in to land and they'd just lowered he flaps and landing gear. I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
in my defence I must say that for 2/3 years, whenever there was an aircraft disaster coincidently I had to fly that route within a few weeks
When I eventually got on the plane I decided to sit in an aisle seat in case I needed to visit the loo. I was sitting there in a drink assisted doze, thinking to myself that we must be over the Irish sea just about in the spot where an Aer Lingus flight had crashed a few weeks before. Just then there was an almighty crash, the whole plane shook and seemed to stop! I leapt to my feet, probably screaming, and looked around to see the whole plane staring at me as if I was having a fit. Far from being over the sea, we were coming in to land and they'd just lowered he flaps and landing gear. I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
in my defence I must say that for 2/3 years, whenever there was an aircraft disaster coincidently I had to fly that route within a few weeks
This was 1971 and I had just picked up our new CI Ford Landliner and with good friends were setting straight off for a trip to The west coast of Scotland ,
eddie and me had just come off a 72 hour shift so weāre knackered, I got us to the M1 and told the missus just keep going straight while Eddie and me had a kip in the back, big mistake, we woke up and found we were still on the M1 and a long way past the M6 junction,
We were told in no uncertain terms that we had told them to keep straight on so It was our fault, should have known then that there is only two ways to argue with a women and neither work,
after a few hours we arrived in Dumfries and I realised we didnāt have a hose to refill our on board water tank, traffic was very heavy so Eddie jumped out and brought a garden hose out of a hardware store while we waited in traffic,
That evening we came across a caravan club site and as it was late we snuck in, this was in the days that motorhomes werenāt welcome at caravan club sites, ( Naughty I know but we were young)
So first thing in the morning we decided to fill the water tank before hitting the road, with a good number of disapproving caravan members looking on, ran the hose out and turned on the tap, the complete hose from tap to motorhome erupted in plumes of water, it was a sprinkler hose much to the enjoyment of the members and much our embarrassment , you never saw a hose so quickly rolled up while we made our escape,
eddie and me had just come off a 72 hour shift so weāre knackered, I got us to the M1 and told the missus just keep going straight while Eddie and me had a kip in the back, big mistake, we woke up and found we were still on the M1 and a long way past the M6 junction,
We were told in no uncertain terms that we had told them to keep straight on so It was our fault, should have known then that there is only two ways to argue with a women and neither work,
after a few hours we arrived in Dumfries and I realised we didnāt have a hose to refill our on board water tank, traffic was very heavy so Eddie jumped out and brought a garden hose out of a hardware store while we waited in traffic,
That evening we came across a caravan club site and as it was late we snuck in, this was in the days that motorhomes werenāt welcome at caravan club sites, ( Naughty I know but we were young)
So first thing in the morning we decided to fill the water tank before hitting the road, with a good number of disapproving caravan members looking on, ran the hose out and turned on the tap, the complete hose from tap to motorhome erupted in plumes of water, it was a sprinkler hose much to the enjoyment of the members and much our embarrassment , you never saw a hose so quickly rolled up while we made our escape,
- May 13, 2016
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I quickly covered my bits with my hands and swiftly walked back to my cubicle to get dressed.
I heard one old lady say i had made her day
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My Mother, bless her heart, was renowned for getting things wrong or misunderstanding what she had previously been told.
At my Fatherās funeral, in Cumbria, her relatives attended from all over the country, including her nephew from London.
After the funeral he apologised that he had to leave immediately and travel back to London. My mother tried to persuade him to stay longer, but I told her that he had just received a phone call requiring him to report to work urgently.
Somewhat indignantly she asked him āWhat is so important at MFI that you have leave a funeral?ā
Smiling slightly he replied, āNo Aunty, I work for MI5ā.
It relieved the tension of the funeral.
At my Fatherās funeral, in Cumbria, her relatives attended from all over the country, including her nephew from London.
After the funeral he apologised that he had to leave immediately and travel back to London. My mother tried to persuade him to stay longer, but I told her that he had just received a phone call requiring him to report to work urgently.
Somewhat indignantly she asked him āWhat is so important at MFI that you have leave a funeral?ā
Smiling slightly he replied, āNo Aunty, I work for MI5ā.
It relieved the tension of the funeral.
I was 12/13.. My brother's never let me hang about with them, only couple years older than me, we were always told " don't played the old railway" shunters, back then..40 years ago..another day of brother's going off without me...so I followed them.!!! They were playing on the shunters.I ran home...dadddy.!. The boys are playing on the railway... I was thinking HA!! That will teach them leaving me out!.. Mmmm, not quite the ending I planned both brothers got the belt..( Not often may I add), then my dad turned to me.. " come on you next! ..I pleaded no daddy I never played on the railway... " I know he said, but you never Grass on your brothers!.. "....what a day..sore! Then I had to go outside and face 2 very angry brothers, hence why I took up long distance running...lots of practice.
I g off without
so I followed them.!!! They were playing on the shunters.I ran home...dadddy.!. The boys are playing on the railway... I was thinking HA!! That will teach them leaving me out!.. Mmmm, not quite the ending I planned both brothers got the belt..( Not often may I add), then my dad turned to me.. " come on you next! ..I pleaded no daddy I never played on the railway... " I know he said, but you never Grass on your brothers!.. "....what a day..sore! Then I had to go outside and face 2 very angry brothers, hence why I took up long distance running...lots of practice.I g off without
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I was in Nigeria and was flying from Kano to Lagos. A the time planes in Nigeria were not always in the best of condition indeed I had a Business friend who was killed when he switched to an earlier flight. It ran out of fuel!!
Well we walked out to the plane which was a pleasant change as you usually had to run out as it was not unknown for there to be more passengers than available seats.
We got on the plane and and waited as more passengers gradually climbed on board. When it was full they closed the doors and we taxied to the end of the runway before taking off and gently climbing away from the airport.
Everyone was chatting away and after about 20 minutes flying time there was an announcement.
Ladies and Gentlemen we have a problem????
It went very quiet on board with people looking out of the windows to check the engines were still there and not on fire and looking around with very concerned faces.
There was quite a long pause before the announcement continued.
Cannot make you tea or coffee machine not working.
PPhheewww!!!!
Well we walked out to the plane which was a pleasant change as you usually had to run out as it was not unknown for there to be more passengers than available seats.
We got on the plane and and waited as more passengers gradually climbed on board. When it was full they closed the doors and we taxied to the end of the runway before taking off and gently climbing away from the airport.
Everyone was chatting away and after about 20 minutes flying time there was an announcement.
Ladies and Gentlemen we have a problem????
It went very quiet on board with people looking out of the windows to check the engines were still there and not on fire and looking around with very concerned faces.
There was quite a long pause before the announcement continued.
Cannot make you tea or coffee machine not working.
PPhheewww!!!!
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movan
LIFE MEMBER
I was 12/13.. My brother's never let me hang about with them, only couple years older than me, we were always told " don't played the old railway" shunters, back then..40 years ago..another day of brother's going off without me...
I g off without
Awwwww I couldn't 'like' that.
You didn't deserve that. You need a group hug from all of us.
Ahhh thanks, I'll take the virtual hug...we love each other to bits now, really lucky to have such a close family, only realise that as you get older.Awwwww I couldn't 'like' that.
You didn't deserve that. You need a group hug from all of us.
Chris
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Aged about 16- 17 I had to ask my Mum for ā assistanceā when I got something caught in a zip.
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Joy there are 2 on Oxford town centre dispensing tea and coffee - or there used to be before the lockdown. Some have been converted into campers but they are really too small. It's a Citroen H van - see https://citroenhvan.eu/
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20/21 years old I really fancied a girl from round the corner, had done for years. Got the chance and courage to invite her to a works do in Liverpool City Centre.
We get there and we are having a real good time. She's drinking Port and Lemo and I'm on half of lager and thinking Wheehee could be a good night
End of night we are about to leave and by then the obvious has happened. One of us is as drunk as a skunk and the other is reasonably sober. She manages to pour me into the taxi, gets me home, opens front door for me and puts me in recovery position in the hall and goes home!!
Calls in next morning to check I'm okay
The family still take the Mickey out of me for that.
We get there and we are having a real good time. She's drinking Port and Lemo and I'm on half of lager and thinking Wheehee could be a good night
End of night we are about to leave and by then the obvious has happened. One of us is as drunk as a skunk and the other is reasonably sober. She manages to pour me into the taxi, gets me home, opens front door for me and puts me in recovery position in the hall and goes home!!
Calls in next morning to check I'm okay
The family still take the Mickey out of me for that.
Would like to give you a āfunnyā for that but my eyes are smarting so much at the thought that I canāt see properly.Aged about 16- 17 I had to ask my Mum for ā assistanceā when I got something caught in a zip.
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Few years back I volunteered to work a Saturday shift and one of my colleges asked if he could get a ride in with me. I arranged to pick him up at the end of his street at 6.30am. I turned up a bit later than 6.30 and he wasn't there so I went to his house, knocked on the door, after a few minutes his wife opened the door, I asked if Keith was in as I'd arranged to pick him up for work. No was the reply he's been playing cards all night up the street and hadn't told her he was at work the next day . So off we go up the street, her in a dressing gown. We get to this house a few doors up and she bangs on the door loudly, after a few knocks the door opens and this young woman stands there in a skimpy little nighty, leaving little to the imagination. Keith's wife says is Keith still here? Apparently he should be at work this morning, oh the young woman says, sorry he didn't tell me. I'm invited into the kitchen to wait and his wife goes home leaving me with this scantily clad young woman. At this point I'm thinking this is getting a bit weird, but who am I to judge. The young woman shouts Keith from up stairs chastising him for not saying he was supposed to be at work and rejoins me in the kitchen, I didn't know where to look. After about 5 minutes Keith comes down stairs. As he enters the kitchen he says who are you?. I say sorry but who are you?I'm Keith Gibbson. Your not the Keith Gibbson I know I reply. Then the penny drops. You must be looking for my dad he lives down the street.
I couldn't get out of there quick enough, embarrassment all over my face.
It turned out that another college passed Keith on his way to work and picked.him up. It was before mobiles and Keith was quite a bit older than myself. It made for a.few jokes for quite a while.
I couldn't get out of there quick enough, embarrassment all over my face.
It turned out that another college passed Keith on his way to work and picked.him up. It was before mobiles and Keith was quite a bit older than myself. It made for a.few jokes for quite a while.
Change college to colleague. Peidictive text again.
OP
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ambulancekidd
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Aged about 16- 17 I had to ask my Mum for ā assistanceā when I got something caught in a zip.
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