Jokes!

[Jim]

Hi Funsters, if you feel the need to share a joke with us please do, however here are a couple of provisos..

If there is already a Joke thread on the front page, post your joke in that thread DO NOT MAKE A NEW THREAD just for your joke. Otherwise its easy for the front page to quickly fill with jokes. This will push motorhome threads or intros off the front page which is bad.

If you think your joke might offend then please put it in the belly locker rather than the U Shaped lounge. Items in the Belly don't appear on the site front page, but they do appear on the Link Removed. If you think your joke will really offend, then don't post it anywhere.



Meanwhile, so not to disappoint the Funsters who opened this thread because of the title.

Tragedy

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school. In one class they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy'.

No, said Gordon - that would be an accident'.

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'.

I'm afraid not, explained Gordon, that's what we would call great loss.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'.

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and was blown to smithereens, then that would be a tragedy'.

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'.

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either' ​

 

[Larrynwin]

Sorry, I stand corrected :Sad:

 

[lesleyjean]

Are you still standing:Blush:

 

[haganap]

well heres my contribution,


Christmas trees are nothning like men.
After all the stay up for 12 days and nights,
Have a great set of balls
and look great when you turn the lights on....



Although personally I do feel sorry for santa,
he only comes once year and even thats down the chimney,,,,


Snow-- Just like sex on a one night stand,,,,,,
you never know how long its going to last and how many inches your going to get,.

 

[Larrynwin]

well heres my contribution,


Christmas trees are nothning like men.
After all the stay up for 12 days and nights,
Have a great set of balls
and look great when you turn the lights on....



Although personally I do feel sorry for santa,
he only comes once year and even thats down the chimney,,,,


Snow-- Just like sex on a one night stand,,,,,,
you never know how long its going to last and how many inches your going to get,.

OOHH That should have been in the Belly Locker

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[bazfergy]

I had a mate who was suicidal.He was really depressed,so i pushed him under a steam engine,now hes chuffed to bits!!!!!!!!

 

[Wheelie]

2 birds on a perch one says to the other can you smell fish.
2 elephants fall off a cliff BOOM BOOM

There was a panda in london zoo who was a little bored, one day he thought to himself i know i'll have a walk into town, so off he went and ended up in soho where he met this young lady standing outside up against a lamp post, hello im a panda would you like to go for dinner and drinks, yes replies the young lady, so they have there meal and drinks and the young lady says would you like to come back to my place, ok says the panda, well the lady lures him into the bedroom, when the young lady has had her wicked way with the panda he says thank you and starts to leave, wait, where are you going, home says the panda, the young lady says you cant go you owe me some money, what for says the panda, im a prostitute you give me money for sexual favours, well im a panda, look it up in the dictionary, the prostitute gets out the dictionary looks up panda and says, PANDA? EATS, SHOOTS AND LEAVES

 

[bigbaz]

Xmas should be good in heaven this year
patrick swayze is doing the dancing
farah fawcett is the angel
steven gateley is singing in the choir
keith floyds doing the dinner &
michael jacksons looking after the kids.

 

[Larrynwin]

BigBaz
that was terrible

 

[haganap]

Xmas should be good in heaven this year
patrick swayze is doing the dancing
farah fawcett is the angel
steven gateley is singing in the choir
keith floyds doing the dinner &
michael jacksons looking after the kids.

THAT IS REALLY SICK AND OFFENSIVE,,,,















But quite amusing in my warped mind

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[Terry]

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint.?Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day
and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an
appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray,
which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery
scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!
terry

 

[tofo]

never quite understood this one me dad used to say


women who cooks meat and peas in the same pot unhygenic

 

[Fatalhud]

A man checks into a hotel in Bristol while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth in Queen Square near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'


It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.

 

[scotjimland]

Q. What do you call an honest Moroccan market trader ?


A. Aziff

 

[vindiboy]

Father Christmas returns toy Toy Land after a very hectic Chrismas Eve and is very tired and grumpy. A lovely little Fairy walks over to him and says Hello Father Christmas , all the toys have been delivered and the only thing left is this Christmas Tree, what shall I do with it ? Stick it up your A@@E shouts Santa, and that's why we all have a Fairy on the top of our Christmas Trees.

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[Cannons]

Sunday Morning Sex

Sunday Morning Sex
Link Removed


I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died,
her grandmother replied,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,

we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to
ring.

It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if Mr. Whippy hadn't come along.

 

[Spacerunner]

The cuckoo is a funny bird,
Who sits in the grass.
With his wings neatly folded,
And his beak up his ass.
In this strange position,
He can only say, "Twit"
'Cause it's hard to say "Cuckoo"
With a beak full of sh*t.

 

[geoff587]

Iraqi Insurgent

moved to Military humour

 

[imprint]

Our farmer went round the fields this morning and found the cows were frozen solid. Cows everywhere, as motionless as the Ben itself. It’s been bitterly cold, but none of us have ever seen this…

With his entire livestock gone, the poor chap was ruined. How would he pay the laird? How could he feed his family? What about the workers on the estate? He sat slumped against the wall with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked down the lane and, seeing him in such distress, asked what was the matter. Robbie gestured toward the frozen cows and explained the tragic consequences of what can only be called an Act of God…

The old lady smiled, walked over to one of the cows and began to rub its nose. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and soon she was back to normal, standing in the snow and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted all the cows. He, his family and our local workers were all saved.

Naturally, the farmer was delighted, thanking the lady profusely and asking how he could pay for her magic skills.

She thanked him in turn but refused all payment, went on her way.

We’d watched the whole episode, and having had a farm of our own, we’d recognised his benefactor. I strolled over, or more precisely forced my way through the snow, and asked if he knew who she was.

"No" said the farmer "who?"
> >
> >
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> > scroll down
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> > wait for it...
> >
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> > it's worth it.....trust me, even if I am milking it
> >
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> > "That was Thora Hird"

 

[imprint]

And if anyone 's been caught by that story of mine, blame Geoff. because he beat me by seconds to his joke...Bum!

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[roamsweethome]

Puns for Educated minds

I had a mate who was suicidal.He was really depressed,so i pushed him under a steam engine,now hes chuffed to bits!!!!!!!!

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine

oh:

 

[nicklb]

John Terry has lost the captains arm band

Fabio Cappello has asked him to look under Wayne Bridge's Pillow

 

[PAPAJAX]

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack. It was a tough decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Mary came in that day with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

 

[Jackomet]

Where is "Military humour "?
JK

 

[Big Ed]

Joke

What do you call egyptian drivers stuck in a traffic jam....................tooting-car-men...

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[PAPAJAX]

Wife duties explained!

Wife duties explained!

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from the Phillipines. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a woman from the Holland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, the cooking and bring him beer in her birthday suit. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, there was a huge dinner on the table and she served a beer in her birthday suit.
The fourth man married a girl from SCOTLAND. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

[The Wallace]

The fourth man married a girl from SCOTLAND. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees

Been there - now cook quite well but still have the scars!

 

[Spacerunner]

Amazing simple home remedies

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD -40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

 

[old-mo]

Mind How you go....

Firemen have rescued an irishman stuck to a condom machine in Shepherds Bush. When asked what happened, he said the sign said "insert £2 and push knob in.... "

 

[Rainbowchaser]

scheming wife

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all his money, & was a real misery when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then
The undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a Cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

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