Saw this somewhere else, thought it was amusing!
Now this is useful
;-)
Later this year, older taxpayers in the UK will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will give to taxpayers
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland and Luxembourg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Switzerland.
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco.
* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you buy a luxury car it will go to India or Germany
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself aTattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)
Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all day and night! It's the patriotic thing to do.
Now this is useful
Later this year, older taxpayers in the UK will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will give to taxpayers
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland and Luxembourg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Switzerland.
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco.
* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you buy a luxury car it will go to India or Germany
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself aTattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)
Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all day and night! It's the patriotic thing to do.
