The Man in The Next Bed......... (1 Viewer)

[Tootles]

For those of you who have had a stay, for whatever reason, in a British hospital, you all know what's coming......For those of you who have never, well, read on.
Trooping up to this unknown ward, full of trepidation. You walk in. Eyes swivel around to you. Some people are asleep. Some are just lying there, connected up to wires, pipes, and a £10 a day telly that hangs invitingly from the ceiling. Others are dead. Or at least, they look it. One bed is free. On one side a nice guy who smiles. on the other.................
You unpack. Your not sure just what to do. No one has said 'Welcome to Butlin's' or whatever, so you sit on the chair (singular). Then you get up to let the wife sit down........Then it starts...."Bloody council" No one looks around. They know what's coming. "Bloody council.........Never empty the bins on our street....." Jeez. Look what's next to me. He must be reserved for the 'new' prisoner. The wife eventually goes. Your on your own. The afternoon drags on. "bloody council". Then, in a flash, he's at your bedside. "Are you from THE COUNCIL". You smile. Embarrassed......And so it went on. All night, pressing his buzzer........NURSE......Oh NURSE............Then he starts banging his cup on the excuse for a feeding table........NURSE!!!!!!!!!!! No one comes.
Next night, I was well out of it. Fortunately for our friend, but Saturday night........It's 2.00 am. He starts.......BANG BANG BANG......."Bloody council"............NURSE...That's it. Gingerly, I squirm into a sitting position. "Hey, KNOB HEAD..........STFU!! Stunned silence. Everyone is awake, I can tell, because the snoring stops......Even the dead ones resurrect. "NURSE!! I'm being THREATENED". No one comes again. But now, I'm not the new boy any more. Two check out on Sunday. Two new lads move in. Pulling those stupid luggage trucks with click click plastic wheels. I have one as well. Now they become the targets. But I feel a little 'delicate', and he keeps stum all day. Sunday night, they move him to a single room. Monday, a new guy is wheeled into mad man's place. That's better. then Monday night......NURSE.....OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH....NURSE. Thank GOD I'm home. You can get life for killing hospital patients.

 

[jollyrodger]

Brilliant was in before Xmas ,and back in again dreckly ,hope your on the mend

 

[Baycott]

Good to have you back Tootles

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[Deleted34567]

Well, you're back in form, ain't you !
Welcome back buddy.

 

[Moodybrook]

Wow, well you ain't painting a pretty picture ! I would like to have the words that instil you full of the joys of spring but sometimes there are bits that just have to be endured. Best I can think of is to, hang in there. Good to hear from you again.

 

[Mousy]

Oh toots that had me in hoots, been there got that badge..except my lovely (not) neighbour used to lay naked (never a good look at 80+) shouting either "come give me some lovin" or "take me back to steeple Ashton"

I think you did so well to speak your mind, most wards it's embarrassed glances away.

You know you are in for a rough stay when the lady in the next bed says "do you like my new handbag?" Whilst waving her catheter bag in your face...

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[PaulyP]

My wife has just spent 5 nights in hospital with pneumonia and came home today, the first 3 nights she was in a room with 3 others. 2 have dementia and it was like a comedy show. 1 kept asking what we were all doing in her house, the other would wake everybody up and say grab your coats were all going home.
I couldnt stop laughing whilst there.
Wife said you want to try having this all the time !

 

[taffybloke]

Welcome back.


Mike

 

[Deleted34567]

My wife has just spent 5 nights in hospital with pneumonia and came home today, the first 3 nights she was in a room with 3 others. 2 have dementia and it was like a comedy show. 1 kept asking what we were all doing in her house, the other would wake everybody up and say grab your coats were all going home.
I couldnt stop laughing whilst there.
Wife said you want to try having this all the time !

That's the good thing about dementia/Alzheimer's......
Your always meeting new people !

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[colinw]

this sleeping beauty assaulted the staff and a policewoman called to calm him down ! even the wildlife turned up to watch !

 

[Bailey58]

Apart from spending, seemingly, half my young life sitting in my pants in a corridor at GOSH awaiting allergy tests for asthma I haven't spent any time in hospital. Oh, hang on, there was the day when I did a far, far greater thing than I have ever done before, or since, and took permanent care of our birth control arrangements, something my brother has never forgiven me for as he had to pay £25 whilst I had mine done courtesy of the NHS. Whilst recovering from this ordeal I was subjected to a conversation involving a surgeon on his rounds from behind the curtains of the next bed where I heard in great detail the number, length and circumference of the elderly patient's stools passed that morning, he had obviously undergone an operation not too dissimilar to Tootles. I must say, given it was some 40 years ago, it took me some time to work out the size of these objects as they were in metric. Now there was a man ahead of his time!

 

[Larrynwin]

Four years ago I had my cancerous prostate removed. One night a new guy is brought in in the early hours, whatever he had wrong he was also well pissed and finally did a huge technicolor yawn all over the floor.
This young male nurse cleared it all up without a whimper, looked at me and just smiled, what a hero doing such a crap job.
Good old NHS , I have nothing but praise for them and their employees

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[Jeannette van den Oever]

I sympathise Tootles. Who knew how noisy wards are at night? I mean women actually snore - LOUDLY! I begged my parents to bring me some earplugs after having baby number 1.
As for all those jolly jamaican nurses, well -'WAKE UP, LOVEY! BABY NEEDS FEEDIN!' - way past midnight and after no sleep the night before due to a 16 hour labour and enough morphine for both of us to be happy to pass into the afterlife - I'm not sure baby and I were too fussed about waking up. I do remember looking forward to 'SMARTIE TIME' each afternoon though.
Had the rest at home - PEACEFUL!

 

[GWAYGWAY]

I was taken in to hospital with a problem but the cardiac ward was full so they put me in another ward that was a bit more secure as it was the only one with a bed . I tried to sleep but there a nutter yelling and ranting next to me and another very peculiar one opposite and the other side of me a bloke that was really out of it. I tried sleeping but it was swear. swear. swear .from him opposite to one that was out of it. A bit later he was screaming 'IM GOIN' GO KILL THE BASTARD HE'S HURTING ME, HE was out of the bed and trying to get to the other out of it man, but could not because he was pulling the bed with his catheter and was still in his bladder the bag strapped to the siderails. Nurse turned up and kicked him back into bed. Next morning I was allowed to go to another ward.
Just the thing when you are not well a good restful nights sleep.
And I was working there as well at the time, they wanted a sick note from me.

 

[Gromett]

Welcome back Tootles, hopefully you will have a fast and relatively pain free recovery.

My only adult experience of hospitals was visiting mother after they bodged her hip op.

I sat down with my back to the lady next to my mum. She appeared to be suffering some form of dementia poor love. She was a small lady, maybe 90 years old and very frail.
The random things she said and did were mostly distracting and harmless. When she threw stuff it barely went a meter or two.
However she started verbally accosting me accusing me of trying to get in her knickers. At this point I couldn't help myself but crack up. The language was worse than a sailors as she alternatively made me offers and accused me.

It was sad, and the workload she placed on the nurses was unbelievable. I am guessing she would have been better off in social care to allow the bed to be used for medical reasons.

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[Tootles]

I sympathise Tootles. Who knew how noisy wards are at night? I mean women actually snore - LOUDLY! I begged my parents to bring me some earplugs after having baby number 1.
As for all those jolly jamaican nurses, well -'WAKE UP, LOVEY! BABY NEEDS FEEDIN!' - way past midnight and after no sleep the night before due to a 16 hour labour and enough morphine for both of us to be happy to pass into the afterlife - I'm not sure baby and I were too fussed about waking up. I do remember looking forward to 'SMARTIE TIME' each afternoon though.
Had the rest at home - PEACEFUL!

And then, four times throughout the night, your woken up to have your blood pressure taken....... What the hell for?? You were asleep! Is your blood pressure going bananas because your comatose? Dear God, the night hours drag on and on............

 

[bernardfeay]

fascinating tale, nicely told.

 

[TheCaller]

... got the T shirt.

Mind you, the most dangerous one was the chaplain. Went from bed to bed on a medical ward shaking hands with everybody. I'd just had surgery, but the surgical ward was full. The guy the next bed to me had dementia on top of whatever medical problem was causing him to emit fluids from every orifice simultaneously. So no sleep for me, or anybody else. Chaplin comes from him to me, sticks his hand out - I'm dopey post surgery compounded with lack of sleep so shake his hand on auto-pilot, then realise where it was last. Sent him off with a flea in his ear to get hand cleansing gel for the pair of us.

(Sorry if I've just spoiled someone's breakfast - the guy in the next bed certainly put me off mine & it takes a lot...)

Good to have you back Toots. I assume you have escaped - hospital is a rotten place to be if you are feeling under the weather.

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[TheBig1]

OMG I can so relate to what you went through. on average I am in hospital 5 or 6 times a year. EVERY visit is an experience to remember and there is always the ward nutter and or a few with dementure. It's just how it goes and luck of the draw as to whether they are in the next bed.

one visit, a security guard sat by this one chaps bedside on and off all day and night. he wanted to kill all the staff and other patients. after 2 nights of having him in the next bed to me, shouting swearing and being abusive, the medical team moved him to a side room. from what I gathered he needed an operation but would normally be held on the psychiatric unit. I am scared of nobody, but that guy was seriously damaged goods and scared everyone on the ward

or the poor old chap that woke after a bladder op at 2am and decided to pull out his catheter without deflating the internal bulb. it was a bloodbath and he was screaming. a couple of us pressed our call buzzers to get him help. couldn't go fetch the nurse as we were all wired to all sorts of equipment. Next day he was absolutely normal and interesting to chat to. probably the anaesthetic caused him to react crazy

then there is the lung ward, where we are all wired to various breathing machines. night time is like a darth vader impersonator conference. so much noise that you all struggle to sleep

seriously you could write a book about all the weird things that happen in hospital wards. Unless you've experienced it first hand though I doubt most people would believe or understand why you come home and just want to sleep for 24 hours

 

[teddybard]

Little Pome I knocked up in Hospital after my heart attack.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nurse Wendy goes to War.
With the best left hook since Henry's Hammer
warring wendy waded in
Big Ron at six feet five though ama-
teur had no chance, right on the chin.
When Wendy followed up her left
with classic right in perfect style
Ron found he was of feet bereft
and hit the canvas for a while.
The team which came to pick big Ron up
included Wendy's trainer 'Laine
but Wendy won the boxing cup
and Ron got put to bed by crane.


You're going home you are , and more
when Wendy caused another punch up
patients joined in by the score
riot police were called in to stop
for Wendy's caused another punch up

It seems the victim poor sad fellow
now sadly devoid of life
had planned escape, sat on a pillow
waiting for his loving wife.
Wicked Wendy had a twin
Evil Elaine waded in
for both of these had caused a punch up
I'll remember all my life.

Author Notes
Actually she's lovely but I wondered what if?? and the pair could deal with any problem on the ward
© Roger Holcombe. All rights reserved,

 

[Bertie Bassett]

Brilliant was in before Xmas ,and back in again dreckly ,hope your on the mend

Good luck and Best wishes

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[Bertie Bassett]

Then, in a flash, he's at your bedside. "Are you from THE COUNCIL". You smile. Embarrassed......And so it went on. All night, pressing his buzzer........NURSE......Oh NURSE............Then he starts banging his cup on the excuse for a feeding table........NURSE!!!!!!!!!!! No one comes.
Next night, I was well out of it. Fortunately for our friend, but Saturday night........It's 2.00 am. He starts.......BANG BANG BANG......."Bloody council"............NURSE...That's it. Gingerly, I squirm into a sitting position. "Hey, KNOB HEAD..........STFU!! Stunned silence. Everyone is awake, I can tell, because the snoring stops......Even the dead ones resurrect. "NURSE!! I'm being THREATENED". Thank GOD I'm home. You can get life for killing hospital patients.

Toots I knew that the 'Desmond Diplomat' course you went on just after the 'scripture readers' weekend at Bagshot would come in handy one day.

 

[irnbru]

and a £10 a day telly that hangs invitingly from the ceiling.

Is this just an english thing or a new fancy ward thing? Was the tv just for your use or the whole wards?
Anyway good to see your back home and posting, hope your growing stronger each day.

 

[dryad]

hey mister tootles, good to see you've escaped from the clutches of nhs nightlife, hospital is for mending, home is for recovering, may it be swift and complete..
lovely to see you back here..

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[Chris]

I had a point though didn't i?

Bloody council never empty the bins.

 

[Theonlysue]

No place like home
Wishing you a very speedy recovery

 

[Andy]

Glad to hear all's going well, speedy recovery.

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[beerdrinker1]

View attachment 53593 this sleeping beauty assaulted the staff and a policewoman called to calm him down !View attachment 53594 even the wildlife turned up to watch ![/QUOTE


Nice view of the Cathedrals though hehehe

 

[GJH]

I think it was very nice of Tootles to publish the story the bloke in the next bed gave him as a leaving present.

 

[Welsh girl]

I was in hospital here in Portugal 3 weeks ago. Big 30inch tv with remote. Lots of English programmes with portuguese sub titles.
A side room of my own.A Phone at the bedside. They did come in at 2 am to do my blood pressure though.
Couldn't sleep all night due to phone ringing in nurses station outside the door though.
Nurse came in 2 minutes or earlier after my buzzing for a bedpan. Which I did a lot because of the saline drip they gave me.
What a difference eh.
oh and the bin man comes every night here. 9pm on the dot. Sundays as well.

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