Should we sell our van? We are in a quandary. (1 Viewer)

[BobtheBass]

We bought our Motorhome new in 2018, a Hymer TSL668 with every extra we wanted like Alde heating, 180 auto engine, satellite tv, leather, huge bathroom etc. It's our ultimate van and we had a few lovely holidays to Germany, France and Belgium as well as all over the UK that made us realise it really was spot on. However, our circumstances have changed somewhat and we can't see that we will ever get much chance to use it again, at least in the foreseeable future.

In January this year Sues 92 year old mother came to live with us, which was a blessing seeing as how Covid hit us in March and heaven knows what would have happened had she had still been living in her own home. She has settled in very well with us but is incredibly hard work to look after, having mild dementia and walks with a frame. She has a carer who gets her up every day and stays with her if we need to go out but we hardly ever do, and there's the problem. Sue won't leave her and has difficulty even discussing care homes, although her mum gets a bit worse all the time. She has good days when she is delightful if incredibly forgetful but has bad days when she gets really angry about trivial things. Sue thinks she needs to be with her and whilst agreeing to respite care her mum says she won't go.

All the time our poor van sits in the drive unused with no plans to go anywhere so should we sell her and when the situation resolves itself one way or another buy another one? The van is mint and still smells new so can only go downhill if, say we don't use her for the next couple of years. I'm tending to think it would be sensible to sell and see what the future brings, especially as the market seems good now. We don't want to give up motorhoming but feel completely tied to looking after Pat. Sorry to go on a bit but what would you do?

 

[irnbru]

Sorry if I sound blunt but at 92 and dimentia I'd keep the van and hold out. You might find you just sell it then your circumstances change again. It cant be easy for you but good luck on what you decide.

Maybe you could get a carer in 24/7 for a holiday or put her into respite so you can get a well earned break

 

[icantremember]

Hang on to it, you don't know what may change in the future.

On the other hand, if you want to sell it cheaply I may be interested for spares.

^{_{Subscribers  do not see these advertisements}}

 

[Blue Knight]

Our circumstances are different to yours Bob but in truth we still have the same challenges as you and therefore can't see the point in the van sitting on the drive doing nowt.

We intend to get rid asap albeit I've not put any effort into selling it yet (with the exception of an advert on Fun which in all honesty doesn't get much exposure).

All the best,

Andrew

 

[Lenny HB]

Sad to hear that, it was quite traumatic putting my late mum into a care home but we wouldn't have been able to cope with her, she had severe dementia.
Is there any chance you could get additional carers in just for a few days every couple of months so you could get away and have a much earned break.
Being a bit blunt you don't really know how long she will live could be months or could be years normally I would say keep the van.
But in the current climate you would get a good price so may make sense to sell and buy again when circumstances allow.
Good luck with whatever you do.

 

[two]

I'd keep it because that's what I've always done.
Looking back, the best thing to do is sell, however, even if you can afford the depreciation.
Mechanical things don't fare well if left to stand for a long time.
When the time comes you can get another.
Various innovations will have come along and your requirements may have changed anyway.

^{_{Subscribers  do not see these advertisements}}

 

[addoaddo]

If you sell the van you will lose about 10K compared to buying the equivalent again. This equates to about 2 years depreciation. So if you think you will use it again within the next two years keep it but if you think it will stay on your drive unused for more than 2 years I would sell it

 

[Blue Knight]

If you sell the van you will lose about 10K compared to buying the equivalent again. This equates to about 2 years depreciation. So if you think you will use it again within the next two years keep it but if you think it will stay on your drive unused for more than 2 years I would sell it

Yes, agreed, but it's also the service charges, insurance, tracker, hab and water ingress costs etc that add a huge amount to the depreciation costs.

They all need to be considered.

 

[Simon Select]

If you do decide to sell it, send me a PM. I will be able to help.
Simon

^{_{Subscribers  do not see these advertisements}}

 

[Jaws]

Many of us have seen our vans sitting still most of this year.. Twice I have nearly sold ours but then thought better of it

There is the money side of it of course, but............ Do you need the money ? If yes then sell it.. If not I would rather have the van sitting there than the dosh inn the bank ! At my age the only thing extra money in the bank will do is make my kids a bit better off

 

[Landy Andy]

Don‘t sell too early. Circumstances can change quickly.
Even if you just use it for a weekend away, which I’m sure you will need occasionally

 

[The Old Man]

My feeling is don't sell.

My circumstances changed in a different but similar fashion.

The van is my bolt hole, if only for a quiet, private hour, like now away for a couple of hours and a picnic.

As someone said earlier, my mum is also 92 and in poor health. The realism is that circumstances will come to a head in the near future.

Then, like yourselves, my van which is as percent as can be to my lifestyle, it will be very important to me.

^{_{Subscribers  do not see these advertisements}}

 

[SpeedyDux]

For the time being we can only get away in ours for short breaks, and not go more than a couple of hours driving distance from the Duxette's mum who is 92 with health and disability care needs. We dread the alarm calls even when away. But despite the circumstances, we feel the MH brightens our lives and stops us feeling depressed even when only sitting on the drive. Yes it probably is costing too much for relatively little use, but what price do you put on keeping your dreams alive.

Things may change so keep yours.

 

[Clipgate]

Just a thought, if the financial burden of keeping your Motorhome is acceptable, when it stands there it represents future goals and freedom.
It's not for me to recommend anything, however ever the empty space may be more saddening!

 

[BobtheBass]

Many sensible suggestions thanks. I just get a kind of homesick feeling every time I see the van doing nothing. We did arrange for my sister to come down for a week in September to look after Pat whilst we went away in her but Manchester where she lives is in lockdown again so we can't even look forward to that!

^{_{Subscribers  do not see these advertisements}}

 

[Red Dragon]

My thinking would be to try and arrange some time away even if just a day as that will help break the cycle, as others have intermated things are likely to change quickly in these unknowing times, selling the van would be quite easy, finding a suitable replacement much harder as you say not an easy decision!!

 

[Ninjabob]

Tricky - I suspect the situation might escalate to the point when you/your wife simply won't be able to look after her 24/7 because here needs will change and you will be compelled to look at care homes. My advice is do nothing about selling the van. Realistically you could get 20 years use out of a quality van so as long as you maintain it a void in it's use is irrelevant. We are in a similar situation with my wife's 90 year old mother currently in hospital after a fall at home and looking like her next stop will be a nursing home rather than having care three times a day at home. In the meantime our 2017 Bailey languishes on the drive. You have to live your lives as well and you need respite from caring for mother.

 

[chaser]

Don't really know your position on this but if she is reasonably mobile couldn't you take her with you on short stays?

^{_{Subscribers  do not see these advertisements}}

 

[Landy Andy]

Many sensible suggestions thanks. I just get a kind of homesick feeling every time I see the van doing nothing. We did arrange for my sister to come down for a week in September to look after Pat whilst we went away in her but Manchester where she lives is in lockdown again so we can't even look forward to that!

But that shows that it WILL be possible in the future.

 

[TerryL]

I really sympathise with you, having had but a little experience of dementia with my late FIL. I can't really offer you an opinion but I'll put my tuppenceworth in anyway.

Dementia is a terrible affliction - you can't call it a disease - not only for the victim but it's even worse for their loved ones, feeling obliged to provide support and attention, often at great cost (and I don't mean financial) to themselves. It is so unpredictable, my FIL developed it slowly but very suddenly went downhill (we think he suffered a very minor stroke) although between MIL, ourselves and some wonderful carers we gave him a comfortable end. Sadly it came suddenly between Christmas and New Year so that season is now somewhat difficult in our household and why we get away as soon after New Year as we can - wife won't leave until after the anniversary. On the other hand our neighbours mother lasted years, living quite happily in a lovely care home with absolutely no memory of anyone or anything.

We had the same problem about refusal to go into respite care but we managed to arrange for both of them to go in together and let us get away for a while and they were quite happy once there, we called it their "holiday". It's not uncommon for old people to object; they've probably been living in the same place for many years and simply can't face the upheaval, but more importantly, the fear of being stuck there for the rest of their lives.

Please remember you are not alone in this, there are organisations that specialise in helping those of us in just your position; try your local Social Services for contacts, try to overcome your natural reactions and ask for advice. There are solutions that you may well not even have considered. Also you need to watch your own health too - both physical, mental and in your relationships.

As for selling your van, as others have said, none of us know the future but personally I would hang on to it if you don't need the money and see if, using the services I've mentioned, you can get away for a few days occasionally. Believe me taking yourselves out of the situation can really, really help you to focus. Even taking it out for a day trip every couple of weeks, leaving a carer to watch out for Mum, will do both it and you a great deal of good.

I do wish you well in whatever the future brings, but don't despair and remember, it will resolve itself at some time.

 

[Toby28]

Keep the motorhome.
We had a very similar situation. Sharon's 92 year old Grandmother came to live with us.
She had dementia and like you say some days were really good but the bad days and nights were really bad.
Sharon wanted to keep her Gran with us for as long as possible, no home etc.
It got to the point where it started to effect Sharon with her Gran either not remembering her or being quite violent, surprising how hard a 92 year old can hit.
Doctor advised her Gran goes to respite for a week just to give Sharon a break.
That week was heaven, don't get me wrong she was a lovely woman and we would have done anything for her, but I also saw the toll it was taking on Sharon.
Sadly she is no longer with us but as Sharon says at least we made her life as comfortable as we could for the three years she was with us.
As many have said, if you can keep the motorhome.
Please ask your wife to really consider a short period of respite now and then, you will be surprised the toll it can take on you. At the end of the day you also have to look after yourselves as well.
Good luck, hope all goes well.

^{_{Subscribers  do not see these advertisements}}

 

[Janine]

My philosophy has always been ‘if you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything’.
Your van, if nothing else, is a happy place even if you only go a few miles away and enjoy a cup of tea while your MIL is being cared for by someone else.

 

[TheBig1]

Having now been in your shoes a few times personally, I would say be selfish, just for once think of you and your wife. YOU need respite too, not just mum as the whole relationship you think you have with your relative with dementia will become toxic before long

Sell the van and you lose that bit of freedom and despite being a lovely caring person who says otherwise, at some point you will regret it and blame the relative with dementia. Then you get the lottery of just how long will they last? Well the truth is, nobody knows and she could fall asleep in her chair this afternoon or tomorrow.

Keep the van and still have at least the hope that you can get at least a snatched night or two break. But you will see it daily and grow resentful that you cant get away as you had planned and dreamed

Personally we kept the van and still cared for 4 family members with dementia so only did 1000 miles one year and 2000 another. My mum actually passed away as I was on a fun rally. I didnt blame myself for not being there, I felt relief. But I packed up and drove home that day to see to everything that needed sorting. Having the feeling of freedom that that one night break away from the stress gave was well worth keeping the van for. All those days and nights worrying about your loved one with dementure and trying to anticipate the unknown, you never get back and will have a very negative effect on your wellbeing. If your relative was fully lucid and knew the stress she was placing on you, she/he would never want that for you normally. Dementure steals the person you loved and replaces them slowly with an imposter that looks like them but without the love for you that they once had

You and others going through this are in my thoughts, but please think of yourself too

 

[buttons]

Could depend on whether you are a benifishefy of your mil estate. If you are and property is involved then selling the van could be the way to go. If not then holding onto it could be the option. You could make your mil final years much happier with funds from the van sale then look for another van when the time is right.

^{_{Subscribers  do not see these advertisements}}

 

[BobtheBass]

What a wonderful, caring and thoughtful community this is! So many of you have had similar experiences and the overwhelming verdict is to keep the van and look to the future. Sue certainly doesn't really want to sell so we have decided not to give it a seconds more thought and we will continue to hope and plan for using it. Thanks to everyone for their kind and fantastic help!

 

[Toby28]

Good on you both. I'm so pleased.
One further thing I forgot to say.
When things are bad and some days they will be, remember it's not the happy times. This is a terrible illness that robs us of the people we love and cherish but the good memories will last forever.
If things do get tough, just come onto the site, everyone is here to listen and help if we can.

 

[Toby28]

Sorry that should have read remember the happy times, I was wiping a tear from my eye and mis typed. Sorry.

^{_{Subscribers  do not see these advertisements}}

 

[Stonemags76]

Perhaps you can take your MIL for days out in it, if it has three seat belts? Always handy to have a toilet handy when caring for old folk (&me actually!). A change is as good as a rest, & if you can hoike her up into it, she may enjoy a change of scene? As things progress she would then be used to going places in the van, & much like children, it is handy to be able to take favourite food, a change of clothes etc on a day out. I hope you look after yourself & your wife during this difficult time. I do understand your wife feeling she can’t leave her mum - I felt the same, & it does take a toll on both of you & your relationship. A big hug for you both from me!

 

[bobnick]

 

[BobtheBass]

Thank you all again! I now have a very happy wife who obviously really wanted us to keep the van but was prepared to do whatever made the most sense. You guys have helped so much.
Cheers,
Bob and Sue xxxx

^{_{Subscribers  do not see these advertisements}}