I want a floating duck house I want to clear my moat I need to mend my tennis court That’s why I need your vote. I have to build a portico My swimming pool needs mending My lovely plants need horse manure And the Aga needs much tending A chandelier is vital Mock Tudor boards are great My hanging baskets won awards And I’ve earned a tax rebate. I need a glitter toilet seat. My piano so needs tuning Maltesers help me stay awake And my orchard must need pruning I could have said the rules were wrong And often thought I should, But somehow it was easier To profit all I could The public really have to see That the rules are there to test And by defrauding taxpayers We were just doing our best The Speaker of the House has gone, Our sacrificial beast, But the public are still braying For our corpses at the feast What do the public want from us, Those vote-wielding ingrates? They really should be grateful To be financing our estates. The message is so very clear, (we’re merely learning late) That the British way of living well Is to screw the bloody state.