Jokes! (1 Viewer)

[Rainbowchaser]

Agony uncle

[FONT=&quot]This has been around for a while but someone may not have seen it ....

Why Men don't write advice columns...

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------
Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Walter.[/FONT]

 

[Pikey Pete]

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

 

[wayfarer]

Understanding engineers

Understanding engineers - take one
-------------------------------------------
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding engineers - take two
--------------------------------------------
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding engineers - take three
---------------------------------------------
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us, they're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding engineers - take four
--------------------------------------------
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding engineers - take five
--------------------------------------------
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding engineers - take six
------------------------------------------
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding engineers - take seven
---------------------------------------------
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding engineers - take eight
---------------------------------------------
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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[dealgan]

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

 

[dealgan]

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I MEAN REALLY REALLY DRUNK.

When the bar closed, he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the side walk.

So he stumbled over to her and punched her in the face.

The nun was really surprised, but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right up to hers and said.............. . . . . . . . . . . .









"NOT SO ****IN' TOUGH TONIGHT, ARE YA BATMAN!!!"

 

[Ralph-n-Bev]

A little old man goes in to a chemist and asked for some Viagra.
"I need them cut into quarters please. " he says.
The chemist said
" You do realize a quarter tablet wont give you a full erection ?"
The old man replies ,
"I'm 96 , i don't have much use for an erection these days. I just want it sticking out enough to stop me wee-ing on me slippers !!"

Bev

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[dealgan]

The Stranded Irishman

The Stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway. "Ahh, that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmills Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

 

[old-mo]

Charity Pantomime

A Charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos last night when someone shouted 'HE'S BEHIND YOU'.

 

[old-mo]

She will be suprised..

My wife and I had a huge row last night, she called me gullible and said I was "financially irresponsible."

I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've just won the Nigerian lottery.

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[old-mo]

The Pastors Donkey.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10.


The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR £10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

 

[old-mo]

A Few ????

I have kleptomania,
But when it gets bad,
I take something for it.












Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.








Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It`s all organised by the Swiss.









Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.






Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!







My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.







In just two days from now,
Tomorrow will be yesterday.








The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.







I may be schizophrenic,
But at least I have each other.







I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.












Dyslexics Have More Nuf.







In Memoriam


With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,which almost went unnoticed last week.


Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93


The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.


They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
















Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.







Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.







Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.






Corduroy pillows are making headlines!


oh:

 

[old-mo]

The Banking Crisis Explained..

I always wondered how it worked !







Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed

to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad

news. The donkey's died.'





Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said,

'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer

asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'





Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't

raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's

dead.'





A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened

with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a

piece and made a profit of £898'





The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy

who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'









Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

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[old-mo]

Widdle Wabbit, (May Offend)

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks,in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"



As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"



She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a fwuck."

 

[old-mo]

My Mate Ken..

A mate of mine called Ken went for a job at a chemical producing factory today.
I asked him how he got on and he said "they asked if I had ever worked with chemicals before, so I said yes".
Then they tried to catch me out and said, "what is Nitrate" ?
I still don't know why they kept laughing when I said "time and a half"!

:Blush:

 

[old-mo]

Son`s Bedroom...

One day, mum was cleaning her son's bed room, and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine, some rope, leather gear, etc.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him..."

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[kkclassic]

Non PC jokie

A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, ... ..why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no’, the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah ! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.. .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence..
'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic’ says the co-pilot.
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'




​

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ,…..no mattah...all same ! ! ! !

 

[Bailey58]

As a newbie I hesitated to post on this thread but having read my way through I think I'm safe enough with this one:

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the big baby, how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

 

[cornishaich]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time westarted swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,


got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'​

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be ****ing Coco Pops'​

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[wivvy's dad]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son happens to be the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter; slim, tall , 38D breasts, 24" waist, 34" hips. When she walks into a room people say...














"My God!!....

 

[Rainbowchaser]

Continuing with the Irish motif.......

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all.
My wife won twice last week!