Jokes!

Discussion in 'Forum News and Announcements' started by Jim, Nov 27, 2009.

  1. Jim

    Jim Ringleader

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    Hi Funsters, if you feel the need to share a joke with us please do, however here are a couple of provisos..

    If there is already a Joke thread on the front page, post your joke in that thread DO NOT MAKE A NEW THREAD just for your joke. Otherwise its easy for the front page to quickly fill with jokes. This will push motorhome threads or intros off the front page which is bad.

    If you think your joke might offend then please put it in the belly locker rather than the U Shaped lounge. Items in the Belly don't appear on the site front page, but they do appear on the Forum Front Page. If you think your joke will really offend, then don't post it anywhere. :Smile:



    Meanwhile,
    so not to disappoint the Funsters who opened this thread because of the title.
    Tragedy

    Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school. In one class they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

    So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

    A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy'.

    No, said Gordon - that would be an accident'.

    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'.

    I'm afraid not, explained Gordon, that's what we would call great loss.

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
    Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'.

    Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and was blown to smithereens, then that would be a tragedy'.

    'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'.

    'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either' :Rofl1:​
     
  2. Larrynwin

    Larrynwin Funster

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    Sorry, I stand corrected :Sad:
     
  3. lesleyjean

    lesleyjean Funster

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    Are you still standing:Blush::Rofl1::Rofl1::Rofl1::Rofl1:
     
  4. haganap

    haganap Funster Life Member

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    well heres my contribution,


    Christmas trees are nothning like men.
    After all the stay up for 12 days and nights,
    Have a great set of balls
    and look great when you turn the lights on....:Rofl1:



    Although personally I do feel sorry for santa,
    he only comes once year and even thats down the chimney,,,,:Rofl1:


    Snow-- Just like sex on a one night stand,,,,,,
    you never know how long its going to last and how many inches your going to get,.:Rofl1:
     
  5. Larrynwin

    Larrynwin Funster

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    OOHH That should have been in the Belly Locker :Wink::Wink:
     
  6. bazfergy

    bazfergy Read Only Funster

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    I had a mate who was suicidal.He was really depressed,so i pushed him under a steam engine,now hes chuffed to bits!!!!!!!!
     
  7. Wheelie

    Wheelie Read Only Funster

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    2 birds on a perch one says to the other can you smell fish.
    2 elephants fall off a cliff BOOM BOOM

    There was a panda in london zoo who was a little bored, one day he thought to himself i know i'll have a walk into town, so off he went and ended up in soho where he met this young lady standing outside up against a lamp post, hello im a panda would you like to go for dinner and drinks, yes replies the young lady, so they have there meal and drinks and the young lady says would you like to come back to my place, ok says the panda, well the lady lures him into the bedroom, when the young lady has had her wicked way with the panda he says thank you and starts to leave, wait, where are you going, home says the panda, the young lady says you cant go you owe me some money, what for says the panda, im a prostitute you give me money for sexual favours, well im a panda, look it up in the dictionary, the prostitute gets out the dictionary looks up panda and says, PANDA? EATS, SHOOTS AND LEAVES
     
  8. bigbaz

    bigbaz Funster

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    Xmas should be good in heaven this year
    patrick swayze is doing the dancing
    farah fawcett is the angel
    steven gateley is singing in the choir
    keith floyds doing the dinner &
    michael jacksons looking after the kids.
     
  9. Larrynwin

    Larrynwin Funster

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    BigBaz
    that was terrible :Rofl1:
     
  10. haganap

    haganap Funster Life Member

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    THAT IS REALLY SICK AND OFFENSIVE,,,,















    But quite amusing in my warped mind :Rofl1:
     
  11. Terry

    Terry Funster

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    TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

    Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
    complaint.?Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
    replacement.

    The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day
    and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

    The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an
    appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray,
    which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery
    scheduled for 6 months from then.
    Why the different treatment for the two patients?

    The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
    The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

    Next time take me to a vet!
    terry
     
  12. tofo

    tofo Funster

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    never quite understood this one me dad used to say


    women who cooks meat and peas in the same pot unhygenic
     
  13. Fatalhud

    Fatalhud Read Only Funster

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    A man checks into a hotel in Bristol while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

    He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

    He popped into a phone booth in Queen Square near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

    When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

    'Hello,' the woman says.

    God, she sounded sexy.

    'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

    She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'


    It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.
     
  14. scotjimland

    scotjimland Funster Life Member

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    Q. What do you call an honest Moroccan market trader ?


    A. Aziff
     
  15. vindiboy

    vindiboy Funster

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    Father Christmas returns toy Toy Land after a very hectic Chrismas Eve and is very tired and grumpy. A lovely little Fairy walks over to him and says Hello Father Christmas , all the toys have been delivered and the only thing left is this Christmas Tree, what shall I do with it ? Stick it up your A@@E shouts Santa, and that's why we all have a Fairy on the top of our Christmas Trees.:Rofl1::Rofl1::Rofl1:
     
  16. Cannons

    Cannons Read Only Funster

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    Sunday Morning Sex

    Sunday Morning Sex
    [​IMG]


    I
    will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

    Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
    Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
    grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died,
    her grandmother replied,

    "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
    "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,


    we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to
    ring.

    It was just the right rhythm.

    Nice and slow and even.

    Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,


    "He'd still be alive if Mr. Whippy hadn't come along.


    :Rofl1::Rofl1::Rofl1:
     
  17. Spacerunner

    Spacerunner Read Only Funster

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    The cuckoo is a funny bird,
    Who sits in the grass.
    With his wings neatly folded,
    And his beak up his ass.
    In this strange position,
    He can only say, "Twit"
    'Cause it's hard to say "Cuckoo"
    With a beak full of sh*t.
     
  18. geoff587

    geoff587 Read Only Funster

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    Iraqi Insurgent

    moved to Military humour
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2010
  19. imprint

    imprint Read Only Funster

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    Our farmer went round the fields this morning and found the cows were frozen solid. Cows everywhere, as motionless as the Ben itself. It’s been bitterly cold, but none of us have ever seen this…

    With his entire livestock gone, the poor chap was ruined. How would he pay the laird? How could he feed his family? What about the workers on the estate? He sat slumped against the wall with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with impending poverty.

    Just then, an elderly woman walked down the lane and, seeing him in such distress, asked what was the matter. Robbie gestured toward the frozen cows and explained the tragic consequences of what can only be called an Act of God…

    The old lady smiled, walked over to one of the cows and began to rub its nose. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and soon she was back to normal, standing in the snow and chewing the cud.

    One by one, the old woman defrosted all the cows. He, his family and our local workers were all saved.

    Naturally, the farmer was delighted, thanking the lady profusely and asking how he could pay for her magic skills.

    She thanked him in turn but refused all payment, went on her way.

    We’d watched the whole episode, and having had a farm of our own, we’d recognised his benefactor. I strolled over, or more precisely forced my way through the snow, and asked if he knew who she was.

    "No" said the farmer "who?"
    > >
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    > > scroll down
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    > > wait for it...
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    > > it's worth it.....trust me, even if I am milking it
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    > > "That was Thora Hird"

     
  20. imprint

    imprint Read Only Funster

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    And if anyone 's been caught by that story of mine, blame Geoff. because he beat me by seconds to his joke...Bum!
     

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