Joke of the day thread (1 Viewer)

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DL42846

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Feb 9, 2015
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Warrington
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2015
A man went to doctors with a steering wheel on his penis, Dr says that's unusual man says it's driving me nuts
 
Aug 19, 2014
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A man goes to a fancy dress party naked except for a strip of sandpaper wrapped around his willy- he was supposed to be Dick Emery!
 

Badknee

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Aug 25, 2014
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Living the dream.
There was a middle aged guy who bought a Mercedes convertible 2000.

He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great", he thought and floored it some more.

He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a State Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.

Then he thought, "what am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Patrol to catch up with him.

The State Patrol officer pulled in behind the Mercedes and the officer walked up to the man.

"Sir", he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th". "If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go".

The man looked back at the State Patrol and said, "last week my wife ran off with a State Patrol officer, and I thought you were bringing her back!"

The State Patrol said, "Have a nice day!"

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Badknee

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Aug 25, 2014
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Living the dream.
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jollyrodger

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Oct 1, 2012
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Older ones :)

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I have been to Salvation Army store to get all of her clothes back
back.
.

A mate of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

.

He was explaining to his wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow.

He said, "You're obviously not listening."
 
Aug 27, 2014
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Once upon a time, there was an an English cat - called "One Two Three" - And a French cat - called "Un Deux Trois".

The cats were great rivals, and one day to finally settle the score over who was the best, they decided to have a swimming race across the English Channel. And One Two Three won!

Why?

Un Deux Trois Cat Sank
 
Jan 23, 2016
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25 years
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

The hippo is very heavy and...





...





...




The zippo...




...




is a little lighter :)
 
Jan 23, 2016
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A group of nursery school children were trying very hard to get ready for primary school.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done?

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'







Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,


'Winnie the SHIT'

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Jan 23, 2016
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The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
 
Jan 23, 2016
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An innocent Irish girl says, "Mum my hands're freezin"

Her mum replies, "Put em between your legs, that'll warm em up"

Next day she's with her boyfriend. He says, "My hands're freezin" so she says, "Put em between my legs, it'll warm em up"

Then he says, "My penis is frozen"

Later the girl asks her mum, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Mum says, "Yes, why?"

The daughter replies, "Don't they make a mess when they defrost?
 

Badknee

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Aug 25, 2014
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Living the dream.
An eighty year old couple were having sex furiously up against a fence.
For 40 minutes they were at it like rabbits,
arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor exhausted. Christ she said "you didn't have me like that fifty years ago". To which the old man replied "fifty years ago that fence wasn't electric.:eek:
 
Jan 23, 2016
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25 years
Teacher asks the class to name groups of animals.

Frankie says, "Herd of cows."

Maggie says, "Flock of sheep."

Sandra says, "School of whales."

Little Jimmy thinks for a minute puts his hand up and says, "A dose of crabs"

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Tincataylor

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Jul 9, 2012
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Never leave a campsite with your clothes line tied to a lamp post.
A bloke walks into a pub and in front of him is a customer sitting on a bar stool drinking a pint. Sitting at his feet was his little dog which was busy licking its own balls. "I wish I could do that" said the man. "If you give him a biscuit he'll probably let you" said the customer...............................
 

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